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Sophie Story Redux

I now have my once-a-decade confirmation that I am NOT A CRAFTY PERSON!

OK, so I open up the neat little bead-a-reptile kit and look over the written-for-someone-who-has-a-clue instructions. Finally I manage to translate them into some form of English I can understand...

First, unwrap this string stuff... Dawg! This has to be the gooiest tape on the planet! It's all over me and the NOOOODLE. Now there's an appropriate name for the cord! Like handling a wet noodle. OK, how much of this stuff IS there? 500 yards?! OK, step one: Get this lanyard dealy-flop fixed at the halfway point. STOP SLIPPING AROUND! Hmmm, maybe if I tie it, it'll stay put... whatever works! Now, slide a couple of beads up there, string the other side through the other way, pull tight. Hmmmm.. wait! This is only supposed to take 2 yards! OK, cut off the extra 498 yards.... ahhhhh, that's better! Now hold that in place while you string more beads on and slip the other side through the other way, all the while holding the previously placed beads in place with your 3rd hand and making sure the NOOOODLE stays tight with your 4th hand and.... OK, hold this end in your teeth while you pull that one through this end and loop back through half the beads you just strung... Be sure to keep the other side from slipping around sideways... Too tight? Too loose? Aren't they supposed to lay flat? Hmmmm, geckos are lumpy, right? OW! My fingers are starting to cramp up, but I can't let go or these things will turn sideways and the other loop will come out and I'll have to start all over.....

OK, I'm halfway done! Courage, Sophie! It's almost over!

(Repeat first half)

WHEW! It's finished! Hmmmmm.... why do its eyes keep rolling across its neck? SCRUNCH, SCRUNCH, SCRUNCH... Now its nose is sliding back across its eyeballs. Oh, look! How cute! It's crossing its legs!

Hey! This kit says there's enough here to make TWO of these critters! Who wants to make the other one?!! I'd do it, but I see the nice young men in their clean white coats have arrived. They're taking me to a happy place with BASKET WEAVING and..........

AAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!

------------------------------------

afterthought: I think we should have special parking spaces. You never know what might happen between the car and the store...the shorter the distance, the less the risk.

Maybe we could wear some sort of ID tag that sets off an alarm when we get too close to the craft aisles. They could set up barriers that pop up automatically and block our view of anything that might possibly tempt us.
. -"Special"Mae

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This week, I'm gonna share a real life adventure. Some years ago, I bought myself a little Renault Alliance convertible. I got it from a pastor, so I trusted him when he said the top didn't leak. Shortly thereafter, I picked up my dear friend Linda for a girls' day out. We were cruising along, enjoying the open road and open air when it started getting cloudy. We agreed it would be wise to pull over and lift the top. Sure enough, the rains soon came upon us. We were relieved to know the pastor spoke truth. The top did not leak. Suddenly, though, we started feeling a bit damp. This quickly developed into a good soaking. What on earth???!!! Well, turns out the gasket between the top and the windshield was missing. The rain blew in like fury and we laughed our fool heads off all the way home.

When I dropped Linda off, she went in and asked her DH to please get her a towel. He asked what had happened and she told him we went for a ride in the convertible.

'Why didn't you put the top up?!'

'We did.'

'You should've put it up before it started raining.'

'We did.'

'The top leaked?'

No, the top didn't leak.'

Just imagine the look of confusion on his face, LOL!

It's good to have a friend to laugh with when things get crazy. Not too many would be such a good sport, knowwhutImeanVern?

This is the same friend who was talking to me on the phone and asked me to hang on while she let the dog out. I waited, and waited, and waited... After a while, I heard her daughter talking to a friend. I started yelling her daughter's name and finally, she picked up the phone. She'd been convinced she was hearing voices, LOL! What a laugh we had when she told me her mom had left! Yep, she forgot all about me and went to the store. She's never gonna live that down!

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Don't forget to enter my first giveaway.

Just scroll down to the previous post and leave a comment.
I'll be throwing in a little bonus, as well. 8-]

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Boredom Makes Me Silly

A few years ago, when we were planning a move from one end of the state to the other, we spent a lot of time on the turnpike. That gets real old pretty quick, doncha know? Late one evening, while we were having supper at Miami Subs, we decided to have some fun at one of the toll booths. I have no idea how we got this idea into our heads, but I'm pretty sure I was the instigator this time.

We used the paper cup with just a little fruit punch left and added some crumbled bits of cookies and some tziki sauce (from a gyro), a squirt of coffee creamer, Whopper Jr (with the works) bits, honey, mayo, ketchup, and whatever else we happened to find. DS wishes I could remember the recipe. Maybe it's just as well... It looked and smelled pretty foul... quite realistic. Well, I held on to the cup till we hit the next toll booth. As Duller was paying the man, I looked at him with wide eyes and said, "I'm gonna be sick!' Now Duller has a real hard time keeping a straight face, so the toll booth attendant must've really wondered why he was grinning like a cheshire at his wife's misfortune. Just before we pulled away, I threw open the door, leaned way out and poured the contents of the cup on the ground. Duller was so gone by this time, he started to pull away without getting his change! From a twenty! The guy hollered at him and brought it out to him, bless his heart.

Not to worry, the rain came soonly and washed away the faux barf. What else were we to do for entertainment on the turnpike in the middle of the night?!

After that, we drove along dreaming up imaginary conversations with the toll booth attendants. Asking, in different accents, things like, 'Where big mouse? You have big mouse?'

So, what do y'all do when you're punchy?

Have a JESUS-filled day! ^i^

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When we lived in Daytona, I spent some time working at a funeral home. At night. It didn't make sense, but every time I turned off the road into the cemetery, I turned the radio down. (Weird, huh?)

Anyhow, Duller and I had bought a bottle of champagne to celebrate an anniversary. Now THAT was weird, coz i hate the stuff and knew I'd only take one obligatory sip. So there we were with a practically full bottle of perfectly good (that's a matter of opinion) bottle of bubbly. One of the women I worked with was having marital problems, so I thought I'd give it to her and she and her dh could have a nice romantic evening. On the way to work, I was holding the bottle, kinda resting in my lap, to make sure it didn't fall over and spill. (Hey, it could happen). Do you know what happens to champagne when it gets warm? There I was, cruising down the busiest road in the area, singing along with Twila or Smitty or whoever, when... POW!!!!!! Thank goodness the windows were down! That cork (and my heart!) went flying right out the window and the champagne did a magnificent Vesuvius impression! YIKES! I instinctively thrust my hand out the window, then thought better of it. What if a cop saw me driving down the road with an obviously open container, spewing all over the public thoroughfare? I jerked it back in and rushed as quickly as legally possible to the cemetery. By then, the headliner and I were pretty nicely soaked. (Imagine showing up at your job reeking of alcohol. LOL!)

It was all good, coz Duller had to drive the car the rest of the week. He just kept praying he wouldn't get stopped for anything, coz it smelled like a brewery for a long, long time. Just another day with the 'M'. 8-]

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SHOCKED by SHAMPOO

Some of the Sophie stories I've posted here were reruns DS has saved. He loves to re-read them every now and then. I'm sure I wrote the shampoo story, but it seems to have disappeared. So I'll try my best to remember how it went down.

The guys were out for the day, presumably doing guy things. Eager to take advantage of the rare alone time, I grabbed my radio and headed for the bathroom. I had just bought a new hair care kit that had gotten some really good reviews. I was sure I'd be mistaken for one of Charlie's Angels after using it. I plugged in the radio and made sure it was as far away from any water as possible. Once I had my favourite Christian station tuned in, I opened the first bottle, a pre-conditioner, and tipped it to pour some into my hand. It was a bit thick and came out slowly. One little drop fell to my fingertip and... ZAP! OW! The stuff SHOCKED me! And just as the ZAP occurred, the radio went dead. The outlet was one of those ground fault circuit interrupter types and I had, apparently, tripped the interrupter. After a moment of huuuuuuhh????, I pushed the reset button. Nothing happened. Push again. Still nothing. OK, so no pre-conditioner and no music. I got in the shower and opened up the shampoo. This time, I poured very carefully, prepared to react quickly in case of shock. No shock. That's good. Must've been some kinda freaky fluke thing. Now let's try the post-shampoo conditioner. Squeeze, drop, ZAP! OW! What's WITH this stuff?! OK, no post-conditioning, either.

So I finished up and started thinking about the money I'd wasted on this stuff. There was a customer service number on the box, so I dialed, wondering how I was going to explain my problem. When the nice lady answered, I forewarned her that she was not going to believe my story. She did sound a bit amused... and bemused. She had, as I fully expected, 'never heard anything like that before'. (I told y'all, we hear that a LOT.) She was sympathetic, but had no suggestions. So I hung up, put it all back in the box and gave it to a friend's 'thinning' husband.

Now this is not an isolated incident. It seems I have an unusually high amount of electricity coursing through my body. Just a few examples: When we lived on the Space Coast, there was one particular street light that went out every single time - no exaggeration - we stopped at the red light at that intersection. In winter, when the 'laundry room' was in the garage, I regularly had to drag Duller out of bed to get the clothes out of the dryer, coz they kept shocking me. I always do a little discharge tap on my car door before opening it.

One evening, on our way home from Orlando, we stopped at El Pollo Loco on Highway 50 for supper. We had just sat down to eat when the lights went out. DS immediately looked accusingly at me and said, 'well, you've done it again, Mom'. We walked outside and there was darkness as far as the eye could see. That night went down in history as The Night Mom Blew Out Colonial Drive.

Oh, and BTW, that bathroom outlet never worked again.

It is a good thing I have chosen to use my power for good, not evil... *heheheheh*

OK, some of you noticed that I wasn't actually shocked by the shampoo... but 'shocked by conditioner' just doesn't roll off the tongue quite so nicely. 8-}

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Somewhere in time...

Cheese Louise! Y'all wouldn't belive how many times we've heard someone say, "WOW! I never saw anything like THAT before!"

HRH and TYP went to the park to walk (and get out of my hair for a while) and run a few errands. They took the truck. When they got home, HRH turned off the key, pulled it out, looked puzzled and asked TYP, "What's that noise?" TYP astutely observed, "It's still running."

He put the key back in and ground the starter (WTG, H), but it is NOT gonna turn off. It just wiggles back and forth and runs on.

He made a few calls... some guy told him to disconnect the positive battery terminal, which took him about 30 minutes and didn't work... finally I reminded him we have road service through GEICO. DUH! They had to make some calls and finally called back with some "good" news. The mechanic told him to just suffocate the butterfly. DUH! SO he's out there now trying, unsuccessfully, to kill that steenkin' insect. It won't die! LOL!

So the poor thing's been idling out there since about 8:15. I took it down the road a piece just to keep it from getting bored.

So he's back on the phone with GEICO again. Never thought we'd have to call someone and ask them to help us STOP something from running!

Oh well, life is anything but boring when you wear the "M"! Anybody wanna borrow it for a while?
8/24/99

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nota bene: For the uninitiated, this 'Sophie story' actually happened on the last day of July, shortly after we moved to this part of Flarda. HRH is Duller (DH) and TYP is DS.

---

...We all pile in the truck to go look at 2 houses, seeing as how the people who SAID they would call us Wed/Thurs to talk about leasing-to-own their place on 17 acres never called, and bop merrily along in the nice actually-working a/c. First house was a bomb, though the property was kinda cool, second house was pretty nice and REAL nice property. We walk all over that 7.4 acres, sweating our brains out! Then we hop back in the truck and decide to keep on going down the road to see what the area is like. HRH, being in desperate need of water at this point, is in search of a convenience store. TYP informs us that, by now, we are closer to GA than the nearest FL burg... this has absolutely nothing to do, understand, with the fact that he has been bugging me for weeks to go to GA... so we head for the state line, happy in our ol' truuuuuuck, well-cooled by the nicely refurbished (he had to take it back this morning to get them to re-do whatever they didn't do right yesterday) a/c. By now, we're all getting hungry, so we pull in at the Hardee's in Podunkville. As we sit there, remarking on the consistent FAST (NOT!) service we always enjoy at Hardee's (I had been inside and availed myself of the facilities and was back in the truck before we even got to order), HRH noticed they had thoughtfully provided a canopy over the drive-thru window so one wouldn't get wet in case of a... a.... oh, what do they call those things... oh yeah... rainy day. Finally, one car pulls away, leaving only one in front of us. HRH glances at the temp gauge and remarks that it is higher than usual. Suddenly...***POW***!!!!!!!!!!

HRH and I exchange worried (read frantic) looks... "WHAT WAS *THAT*?" I steel myself and look out across the hood... we're smmmmmmmmmmmokin'! RUHROH! I'm frantically trying to get HRH to understand he CAN'T BACK UP, THERE'S SOMEONE BEHIND US! TURN IT OFF! Hopefully, we won't have to push the steenkin' thing out of the drive-thru. Hmmmm... if we can just get across the parking lot to a space... where in the world are we gonna get this thing worked on in GA on a Saturday afternoon??? The car in front of us finally pulls out and HRH starts the engine... WHEEEEWWWWWW!!!! The temp is OK.

Just tell the lady we'll come in for the food, park the truck and let's eat, THEN figger out what to do. We pull up to the window and come face to... er... back of head with the world's master of ignore-ance... "Excuse, me, Miss..." SHE WALKED AWAY! She could at LEAST give us our steenkin' drinks! Doesn't she know it's 300° out here??? OK, OK, the temp isn't climbing... we're OK. After absolute EONS (OK, 5 minutes, at least) she comes back. By now, we've determined we can safely retrieve our food here, then HRH can hop out and peek under the hood while TYP and I dine in the sweat lodge. (Oh, did I mention the passenger-side window doesn't work?!)

WHOA! Wouldja look at that?! The freon hose burst! We got freon all over under here! Well, PTL we can drive it home... WE JUST HAVE NO A/C!!!!!

So, we head for home... HRH's burger is coming apart and gunk is all over his hands, so he asks me to take it and "re-arrange" it for him. Do I LOOK like a burger decorator?! It's hopeless, and now it's all over me, too, thankyaveramuch.

OK, so now we're filthy from tromping through the woods, sweating like a buncha pigs (I know, pigs don't sweat, so sue me), the heat index is like 500°, we have a nice mayonnaise glaze... I can't help but notice, it feels like the backs of my eyelids are slow-cooking my eyeballs... does life get any better than this?!

As we roll through Tallahassee, the thermometers there hit 100°. (At 5PM, the heat index in T___ was 113°! And, BTW, I have no idea if this is normal, as this is our first summer up here. Hopefully NOT!) The city fathers must've known we were coming, coz they thoughtfully had all the traffic lights synchronized so we wouldn't miss the thrill of being able to take a few moments at each and every RED one to enjoy the sights.

TYP and I both headed straight for the showers the minute we walked in the door. Then he vegged here for a while and I crawled into bed with the A/C vents aimed right on me. AAAAaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!! Somehow, I don't think I'm gonna be baking those taters tonight, after all.

One good thing has come out of this little episode. I have finally found something good about Daytona.. the ocean breeze! 8-]

-SteamyMae

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Adventures in Beading

I now have my once-a-decade confirmation that I am NOT A CRAFTY PERSON!

OK, so I open up the neat little bead-a-reptile kit and look over the written-for-someone-who-has-a-clue instructions. Finally I manage to translate them into some form of English I can understand...

First, unwrap this string stuff... Dawg! This has to be the gooiest tape on the planet! It's all over me and the NOOOODLE. Now there's an appropriate name for the cord! Like handling a wet noodle. OK, how much of this stuff IS there? 500 yards?!

OK, step one: Get this lanyard dealy-flop fixed at the halfway point. STOP SLIPPING AROUND! Hmmm, maybe if I tie it, it'll stay put... whatever works! Now, slide a couple of beads up there, string the other side through the other way, pull tight. Hmmmm.. wait! This is only supposed to take 2 yards! OK, cut off the extra 498 yards.... ahhhhh, that's better! Now hold that in place while you string more beads on and slip the other side through the other way, all the while holding the previously placed beads in place with your 3rd hand and making sure the NOOOODLE stays tight with your 4th hand and.... OK, hold this end in your teeth while you pull that one through this end and loop back through half the beads you just strung... Be sure to keep the other side from slipping around sideways... Too tight? Too loose? Aren't they supposed to lay flat? Hmmmm, geckos are lumpy, right? OW! My fingers are starting to cramp up, but I can't let go or these things will turn sideways and the other loop will come out and I'll have to start all over.....

OK, I'm halfway done! Courage, Sophie! It's almost over!

(Repeat first half)

WHEW! It's finished! Hmmmmm.... why do its eyes keep rolling across its neck? SCRUNCH, SCRUNCH, SCRUNCH... Now its nose is sliding back across its eyeballs. Oh, look! How cute! It's crossing its legs!

Hey! This kit says there's enough here to make TWO of these critters! Who wants to make the other one?!! I'd do it, but I see the nice young men in their clean white coats have arrived. They're taking me to a happy place with BASKET WEAVING and..........

AAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!

(Copyright 2005-2009 by SophieMae - all rights reserved)

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