Friday Funnies

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After being married for 44 years, I took a careful look at my wife one day and said "Honey, 44 years ago we had a cheap apartment, a cheap car, slept on a sofa bed and watched a 10-inch black and white TV, but I got to sleep every night with a HOT 25 year-old gal.

Now I have a $500,000 house, a $45,000 car, nice big bed and a plasma screen TV, but I'm sleeping with a 69 year-old woman. It seems to me that you're not holding up your side of things."

My wife is a very reasonable woman. She told me to go out and find a hot 25 year-old gal and she would make sure that I would once again be living in a cheap apartment, driving a cheap car, sleeping on a sofa bed and watching a 10-inch black and white TV.

Aren't older women great?
They really know how to solve your mid-life crisis.

• How to Maintain A Healthy Level of Insanity
  
  1. At lunch time, sit In your parked car with sunglasses on and point a hair dryer at passing cars. See if they slow down.
  2. Page yourself over the intercom. Don't disguise your voice.
  3. Every time someone asks you to do something, ask if they want fries with that.
  4. Put your garbage can on your desk and label it "In."
  5. Put Decaf in the coffee maker for 3 weeks. Once everyone has gotten over their caffeine addictions, switch to espresso.
  6. In the memo field of all your checks, write " For Smuggling Diamonds"
  7. Finish all your sentences with "In Accordance With The Prophecy."
  8. Don't use any punctuation
  9. As often as possible, skip rather than walk.
  10. Order a diet water whenever you go out to eat, with a serious face.
  11. Specify that your drive-through order Is "To Go."
  12. Sing along at the Opera.
  13. Go to a Poetry Recital and ask why the poems don't rhyme?
  14. Put mosquito netting around your work area and play tropical sounds all day.
  15. Five days in advance, tell your friends you can't attend their party because you're not in the mood.
  16. Have your co-workers address you by your wrestling name, Rock Bottom.
  17. When the money comes out the ATM, scream "I Won!, I Won!"
  18. When leaving the Zoo, start running towards the parking lot, Yelling "Run for your lives, they're loose!!"
  19. Tell your children over dinner. "Due to the economy, we are going to have to let one of you go."